3am; but your hand's on your head, cause your head's alright right

dear lovers,

i have been waiting for your presence. for the lightness in your step, and the smoothness of your slurs,--not to mention, how i have waited for the sweetness. i do not mean of sugar, or of fleeting words, or of faint interaction. i have waited for a subtle touch of humanity; of optimistic opinions and a settled fidelity.

and i have to tell you, i am not surprised.

for a while now, i have felt a sense of inconsistency. and when i reach from my throat the term 'while', i do not mean of weeks, or months, or a year. i mean a while; a long time of waiting, contemplating, of questioning, and hoping. a while used up with feelings i may as well regret, but with due respect may as well not. for, within the last few weeks i have been faced with comments beyond my naive understanding, of some love.

a lack of compassion, it is this lack of compassion, i feel, that leads to such things i have witnessed. and what i have witnessed, or what has come to my attention, has disgusted me. no matter what excuses following them, what explanations, what reasoning and sweetness in letters to words... i do not believe i will ever understand such strange, dysfunctional betrayal and disrespect.

i wanted to see a glimpse of the desire to understand. an interest. an attempt to keep way from ignorance. while i may confess, i am not such a person to abidingly commit to such ideals...

what seemed to start as a simple conversation has escalated to a short time of spite and confusion. and in this short time i have recognized the importance of some form of 'realization'. whatever form you may believe i am speaking of, i do hope you understand the fact that you may very well be wrong. because your estimates will never be accurate when it is me you are guessing about, my goodness, no. please wipe your slate clean and look at me again. look at everyone else again.

i've appreciated the time spent in this little page, and have always enjoyed reading the majority of these posts and will keep this with me. as well, i hope you all understand my decision has not been touched by another, as with all my other decisions. i hope this is not taken personally, and that perhaps soon we will have such great honour in forgetting all of this.

with all due respect and regret, i would like to resign from my position as a member of the teacup blog. it seems i cannot cope under the pressure after all.

love, with best interests,
nina.